Simply Complicated.

Tons of time has passed since I’ve posted anything on Tumblr. I think a part of me has been quite disconnected from the blogging community and haven’t had a ton of time to sit down and reflect on my thoughts and feelings.

I hate to admit that as awesome as life has treated me the past couple of months, it has also been an emotional transition time for me. As the title reads, it has been my Season of Loss and Being Lost. I don’t even know where to begin … as I write, I can feel myself just sinking emotionally. I think the efforts of keeping it together and being strong has definitely worn thin and I’m crumbling. I’m falling apart. I’m a mess. Including tonight, it’s probably been my 4th or 5th just overwhelming collapse of the dam I built to hold in my emotions and hold a strong front.

I’ll start with my biggest loss of this season - my small group. This past year has been a huge roller coaster for my small group. When we began our small group and at the highest of our highs, I would’ve never thought it would end up this way. It seems that life has happened and has put all of us on different paths that are hardly crossing or even touching. I don’t know where we went wrong, where we gave up, where we lost sight of what our mission was as a group. We tried different studies; we tried making a pact; we tried, yet we still found ourselves at the end of our road. I think not having group around has taken a toll on me spiritually. I joined our core group literally weeks after I decided to dedicate my life to Christ. My whole entire walk with Christ and growing in my faith was with my group. Each and every girl that was in (and out) of the group played a tremendous role in who I am today as a Christian. Not having them around has been so hard to deal with. I think that is why I’ve been feeling so spiritually dead. I haven’t felt very passionate about my relationship with God; I haven’t gone to church in so long; I just haven’t felt myself. I understand the weight that community carries in being a Christian. Everyone also says that you can’t do it alone and everyone’s right. I hope that all of these friendships will find their way back to each other … somehow, someway.

More losses. It seems that all of my friends are all growing up. Many of us have graduated from college and are now following our dreams, no matter how far away. My cousin moved to Korea for a year to teach. One of my best friends from college moved to LA to pursue nursing school. One of my boyfriend’s best friends is also moving to Korea to teach English. One of my best friends just passed her admissions test and will be moving to Anaheim for nursing school this upcoming summer. And today another one of my friends found out she got into Pharmacy school in Loma Linda. I am so happy for all of my friends and their accomplishments and for their futures. I know that they will be great in all they do. I’m just going to miss everyone so much. Even though the distance doesn’t seem so far, I know that friendships can change but I hope that we all will remain in contact. I’ve never been good at maintaining friendships if other people are not willing to make time for me to. It’s probably why I don’t have many friends from high school or college. I’ve been so jaded in the past that maintaining friendships for me is a big emotional investment and the feeling of being forgotten or rejection has hit hard in the past and has made me reluctant to keep people close.

While everyone is moving on to bigger and better things in life - I find myself stuck. You always think that you went to college and got a good education so that you could get a good job and a good career. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve had my job & yes it has been a great platform of learning & a great way to gain experience, but I didn’t really go through 4 years of college so I can wipe noses, change diapers, and sing “Old MacDonald” a million times a day. I love my kiddies, I do. And my job is okay for now, but I know that I want better for myself. I know that I don’t want to be stuck where I am. Sometimes when I leave work, I just cry because I’m so unhappy. I love most of my coworkers (haha!) but seeing how the system works, some people at work are the epitome of what I do not want to become. I lost that glimmer of joy in my eyes. I’ve lost that love I have when I first started. I lost respect for a lot of people. I’ve gained friendships that have meant a lot to me & I hope that when I someday leave, I’ll be able to keep them. My co-worker told me that my time will come. I will figure everything out & that it might not come to me now, but I’ll have my time. I just don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I love to do. I’m scared that I’ll have to go back to school for a different degree than what I have now and that I’ll have to start from scratch …. meaning more $$$. Sigh. Life isn’t ever what you think its going to be.

I’ve never felt so lost in my life. I don’t know where I’m going in life. I feel like I’m aimlessly walking through life with no hope in sight. I feel like I’ve lost my identity. I feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time. All my efforts to find a direction for my future has been fruitless. I haven’t found the right career for me. I haven’t found the right degree program for me. There tons out there, but what direction do I go in?

I’m holding it together the best I can. I’m being as strong as I can even though I’m exposed at the seams. I can only hope and pray that all the answers will come to me & that I will make a way to make it through life. I’m willing to work hard, I just don’t know where I’m putting my efforts towards. I’ve heard that when life pushes you, you need to push back. How do I push back? Although it seems like all is lost, I have hope that life will turn around… somehow, someway .. joy will find its way back into my life. I’ll be happy again & all will be as it should be.

In the midst of probably one of the worst days I’ve had in a very very long time, it was awesome to see/feel the way that God was working in my life and in my heart. Today seemed like a never ending abyss of bad news and really unnerving events. However my trust or my longing for God to just pour into my life and my heart never flinched.

Recently during a message at my church Flood, our pastor Matt made it a point to say that God purposely puts distance between his people and himself because he wants us to pursue him. Today, I definitely felt like I was hitting the pavement fast and running full speed to God. Leaning onto him brought a sense of peace to my heart despite all the disappointment I was experiencing at the same time. I’m feeling lost and confused and really frustrated with life, but here is God standing by my side and just letting me rest and just being held by him — feeling at ease knowing that I am safe even when I can’t see two inches in front of me.

This feeling of God being ever so present is something I probably couldn’t say I was experiencing a couple weeks ago. During the summer I always feel like I go through a lull where God is just so distant and not tangible whatsoever therefore discouraging me from running to him and really putting my faith on the back burner. But just being able to soak in his love has set my heart and mind at ease. As an imperfect human I want to feel anger, I want to feel hate, I want to feel all of these negative emotions, but God is holding out his hands telling me to just give it all to him so that I may rest. He is holding me, telling me that it is possible to turn the other cheek and forgive. Forgiveness is not condoning anything that has happened, it just means that I will not go out of my way to seek revenge for what has happened. He wants me to forgive. He wants me to love.

Its incredible to be in this place in my life, even though this is never how I expected my life to be at right now or how I pictured my life. I know that God has a purpose for my life. I know that God only wants the best in my life. I know that God has my best interests in life. I know that God never promised an easy life, but that he promised he’d always be by my side and promised that he’d give me everything I’d need to get through all the ups and downs of life. Knowing and believing these truths has given me the strength to trudge on, even though I feel completely weak and helpless. 

I’ve been given a renewed sense of hope and I’m definitely hopeful for my future. Thank you God for this incredible blessing in the definite time of need. <3 

myheartbelongstochrist:

Please give me discernment so I know what is truly from You & what isn’t. Help me to filter everything to Your word. Give me patience & help me wait on You & Your answers. Guide me towards the right path. & protect me from any hinderances, doubts, or fears that will cause me to stray away from what You truly have planned for me.

Today’s Verse

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

- Philippians 4:12

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Thoughts of Today’s Verse

Contentment! Mmmm, I’d like to have a little of that; how about you? I find it hard to be contented about almost anything. My performance is not up to par. My weight isn’t where it should be. My words were a little insensitive in the last conversation. It’s even easier to slip into recognizing what we don’t have financially and then pursue that. But before money, possessions, health, or any other thing can be truly enjoyed, we first have to learn that contentment is not based on our circumstances but our salvation.

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My Prayer ….

Almighty and generous God, you are the giver of all goof gifts, so now I would like your help in finding the gift of contentment. Bless me as you choose, for I know deep in my heart that no blessing can compare to being your child and being loved and known personally by you. In Jesus’ name I thank you. Amen.

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